Fear factors

 My roommate is afraid to drive in snow.  The fear of snow is chionophobia.  This is not an irrational fear, per se, as she was involved in a car accident when the conditions were, you guessed it, snowy.  You can find the name for your fear here.  We learn to fear, I think.  There’s always the ongoing debate: nurture vs. nature.  I learned about this ad nauseum in developmental psychology about 6 years ago.  They often use identical twins for these psych studies, same exact DNA, different life circumstances and environmental influencers.  Watch the responses, record and analyze the data.

I have fears, ir/rational as they may be, that are driven exclusively by past experiences…I was not born with these fears.  I know this because I wasn’t always afraid of them.  I learned that response.  I use ir/rational because I think it’s a mixture.  It’s not so irrational to fear something that has caused pain or confusion or anxiety in the past…it’s kind of wise.  But neither is it rational to live contained within and controlled by fear…to never drive in snow.  The trick now is learning how to live despite the fears…to live aware of the fears but not in submission to them.  To consider what I forgot to factor in when the fear was initiated.

Flashback: 5^th grade, running home with my brother after school through the woods because it’s a shortcut and it’s the cool thing to do.  I’m winning; that’s not so fair though because he’s younger and he’s goofing off with some friends behind me.  If they weren’t slowing him down, he definitely would have won.  I make it literally to the last tree before the clearing to our house and step on a black snake.  Snake hisses.  I would have too, if it were me being stepped on.  I remember hearing it first and then seeing it, mouth wide, looking at me and my heart pounding.  Fear.  I don’t particularly care for snakes anymore.  And it’s more my fault than anything.  I initiated the snake’s response, accidental as it was.  We both reacted with fear.  I didn’t factor in another’s perspective.

Flashback again: 5^th grade again…hmmm, interesting.  This must have been an impressionable period for me.  My entire family (the 4 of us + Pop, my grandfather) is outside, eating.  We must have grilled out.  My brother is on the tire swing.  Dad occasionally gets up to push him.  Now he’s hanging upside fingers in the dirt, like he’s playing; only he’s not.  We don’t realize it right away.  And then we do.  He doesn’t respond, eyes are not right, not focused. He’s trembling and now, so am I.  I run for the phone because I’m told to call 911.  Fear.  Even after the doctors are involved in the ER- fear.  I didn’t know what to do; I had no control.  I remember sitting in the waiting room, furious at the doctors for not knowing everything.  I remember deciding I never wanted to feel that helpless again.  Medicine here I come.  I didn’t factor in the shortcomings of human limitations, both physical and intellectual.

Flashback again: 7^th grade now.  Mom and Dad don’t fight, in fact they don’t talk.  It’s hopeless resolve, I guess that’s what you call it.  Fear…them and me.  What I didn’t understand for a long time was my fear of marriage/romance/vulnerability/whatever mirrored exactly the fears I saw in them: fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment, fear of failure.  I didn’t factor in God’s good/ideal design.

Flashback: no grade, just graduated college.  France, because I wasn’t ready to decide about my future after college (and various other euphemistic reasons).  Fear.  Fear of not finding my purpose, of being ineffective, of wasting my time, of not hearing or walking in obedience to God.  I didn’t consider free will and I definitely didn’t factor in grace.  I really should have known better.

Flashback: no grade again, now I’m 24.  Disappointed, hurt, weary and confused, but mostly afraid, again. This time because I think I heard God wrong or better: didn’t listen at all, despite trying regarding a move, a relationship, a living situation, a job, pursuing further education.  This time, I didn’t factor in God’s provision and Divine protection.

It’s easy now to look back, to factor in the missing elements…to see what I couldn’t see then.  What is it they say?  Hind sight is 20/20.  Hmmm.  Maybe.  But, would I know what I know?  Would I be who I am?  Would I have compassion and perspective?  Would my faith be a faith worth having?  Would walking in victory over fear even feel victorious?  This is the verse that I love about fear: In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.  The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?  The Lord is with me; he is my helper.  I will look in triumph on my enemies.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.

In 8^th grade I had a short and sassy language arts teacher.  She challenged me to write and she challenged me to live without regret.  I won a big award for writing that year and even to this day, I have no regrets.  We asked her once, why she joined the army before teaching.  She said, “Because when I’m on my deathbed, I don’t want it to be one of the things I wish I’d done.  I don’t want to live with regrets.”  I hear that a lot in my mind.  It’s an ideal, romantic thought.  But, practical too, I think…in a different way than she phrased it.  I mean even missed opportunities or failures or hurts or fears don’t have to be regrets.  They may be a line on your face, a tear in your eye, a pain in your heart, a scar in your soul, but they shape you.  And they give opportunity for redemption and learning and growing and changing and trusting, not in me or man, but in God and his ability to come through, to shine through.  The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid.

~ by Kara Belcher on February 25, 2008.