Getting to Know You…

In my small group, we’re in the process of getting to know each other still. We do “(wo)man in the middle” each week. One person is drilled with questions from the rest of the group. It’s a focused version of 20 questions but all about the person and way more than yes/no answers. This is tricky for the person answering because it’s all about them. They don’t get to divert and hide or let someone else answer. We want to know about them. I love this. I love learning about these amazing people, their perspective, history, faith, hurts, joys, wins, losses, etc. But I’ve not been in the middle yet. I may change my tune after undergoing the firing squad.

It was in one of these Q&A sessions that the topic of vulnerability versus transparency came up. This is good stuff. Basically, there’s a difference between being transparent and being vulnerable. It feels obvious now. But it had not occurred to me before. Transparency lets you see in, all the facts, all the details. Vulnerability lets you see the effects of the facts. I’m incredibly transparent and fiercely invulnerable. You have a question, ask away. I’ll give you the answer and all the gory details. Ask me anything. But, if you want me to need you or let you know I’m hurting or let you see the effects, not likely…that takes a long time for me. I’m still learning how to handle this one. Vulnerability + wisdom + love + courage = safe, mostly. But there’s risk, otherwise it wouldn’t require courage and it wouldn’t make you vulnerable.

“How’s your week been?” I get that question a lot lately, and then I’m trying to think through the previous 7 days…how were they? What did I do even? Who did I see, where was I, did anything big/small happen? And then, I basically try to summarize it with something profound like, “fine” or “not bad” or “I’ve had better and I’ve had worse.” Wrap it all up in a nice tight phrase with a bow and a smile. Well, those are generally true answers but not quality answers and sure not vulnerable answers.

Nate called me a few weeks ago “just to talk”. “How are you?” He asked. He’d seen the Kleenex commercials where the guy sets up a couch and video camera in Time Square and spends the day just listening to people talk about whatever they want. He offers them a Kleenex when they cry (from joy or despair). It’s actually a touching commercial if the cynic in you can look past the marketing scheme. Nate told me he wanted to talk about “whatever I wanted to talk about.” At first I wasn’t sure what that was or how vulnerable I was willing to be with him. Was there anything pressing that I needed to get off my chest? And there didn’t seem to be at that moment, so we just chatted about general stuff…but it was nice to be asked. It was nice that he paused to let me decide where to take the conversation. And it was nice that he was willing to engage in that kind of conversation.

Then at church on Sunday night we had a relationship building evening… basically we eat dinner together and have “guided” conversations. We were to find differences and similarities amongst the people at our tables.

Our similarities were: 1) team sports 2) emergency room visits 3) and something obviously very important since I forgot it

Our differences were: 1) favorite movies 2) what we wanted to be when we grow up

We also asked people to tell us 3 things about themselves that we didn’t already know. Interesting, we had really interesting people at our table. I like them better now. But I’m not sure that we really got to know them better…just more about them. Nothing about that evening felt vulnerable…which maybe was best. I mean, when should you be vulnerable and with whom? Surely, not everyone all the time??

Last week was a very big week for me. I asked 2, count ‘em 2, people to pray for me. This was huge. I rarely ask for prayer, and even when I do, I’m vague, very, very vague about it. Something like, “I’m having a hard day. Would you please pray for me?” I don’t want people to feel obligated or burdened by me and my stuff, big or small as it may be. And I don’t want them to see me as weak or incapable; that smells an awful lot like pride, doesn’t it. Then I had a friend ask for the chronology of my life. I don’t think she expected to get the full history but I spilled it, tears, fears and all. Then I went for a walk with my friend/roommate and again listened and talked and compared notes and was vulnerable in multiple ways. I am on a vulnerability roll. You’d better strike while the iron is hot, folks.

I don’t really get to tie this one up for you. There’s too much I don’t know.

This is what I know about vulnerability:

1. It paves the way to integrity- if you know the facts and the heart, you know

the person.

2. It levels the humanity playing field. I struggle and so do you, let’s just be real

good and honest about that.

3. Jesus was incredibly vulnerable, in the wisest of ways. He didn’t base His

identity on people’s responses, but He poured himself completely out for them.

This is what I don’t know about vulnerability:

1. With whom should you be vulnerable…and when?

2. How much vulnerability is wise, and how much is just needy?

3. Are there areas that only God should deal with? Shouldn’t He be the only one with whom you’re completely vulnerable?

 

So, I’m asking, what do you think about vulnerability? And while we’re at it: How are you? What do you want to talk about?

 

 

~ by Kara Belcher on March 7, 2008.