Strong-willed, examined and redefined

I’ve been told I was a strong-willed child.

Once, after ignoring my mother’s instructions multiple times, she said, “Kara, I don’t want to spank you, but if you don’t do what I ask, I will.” I was 3-ish, with my hands on my hips and my face extended out in defiance and I said, “You can spank me if you want, but it won’t do any good.” That was at 3. I’ve gotten older and hope it did some good.

Or how about at 5; I’ve always thought driving was instinctual, and I had the instinct (which I confess, I do not). I put our vacant-except-for-me car into neutral and ended up in the middle of the street not knowing how to start the car or change the gear to drive. Not so instinctual afterall. My neighbor came home and bailed me out.

Once, I thought I could cut hair, so I practiced on my brother. His sideburns were above his ears. I’ve never cut hair again. I was 7 or 8; State licensing boards for cosmetology, shocking as it may seem, don’t license that young.

My confidence, my determination, makes me fearless to enter into situations of which I probably should be terrified or at least respectful. This gift could be/is good. But, when things go awry, when I get sidelined by situations and circumstances and I don’t know how to handle it, I tend to run away and I don’t look back. I tend to question my faith and my resolve. I question me and my ability to hear God…the thing is, I wasn’t listening to begin with; I was acting, moving ahead, no training wheels, no limits other than my own, no safety cables or nets, no reigns.

There have been others to, examples that is. But I’m not sure I’m ready or willing to have an all-told confessional…so please take my word for it. As I age, they get more complicated with convoluted ideas and actions. My, my, I am strong-willed. My, my, I need some reigns, Lord. Bring your reign to my will.

This morning I woke up at 7am, without an alarm and with thoughts and emotions ruling and racing. I bundled up (mornings are still cool) and went to camp on the front porch for a while. My strong will, my daring is a gift, I know this. But it also requires reigns. I want to dive right in, and go for it. Let’s just do this. Let’s make it happen. What are we waiting for…

Well, we’re waiting for a driver’s or cosmetologist’s license. We’re waiting for the perspective and wisdom of age. We’re waiting for permission or directions. We’re waiting for Someone else to say, “go.”

So, today, my mind is being entertained by thoughts of “should have’s”, “could have’s”, “would have’s” and “now what’s”. I want to go full speed ahead. I want to walk right in, say what I want to say, do what I want to do, defy and define all on my own. But I think I’ll try it another way this time. I want to be strong-willed about resting in submission, trust, hope and faith. I’ll wait, step down and back and wait. I’ll let Someone Else guide and reign over my will today…and hopefully, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…etc, etc.

~ by Kara Belcher on May 18, 2008.