being born is dangerous

Turns out “being born is dangerous.” Quoted from a movie; I paused the movie just to write it down so I wouldn’t forget. I do odd things like that sometimes. I loved it the instant I heard it. It’s what my “about” section on the blog is…well, about.

It’s out of context, the quote is. They were speaking medically…it’s dangerous for the mother, dangerous for the baby. I took it figuratively and metaphorically…and philosophically. Life is hard…harder for some than others. Life is dangerous and risky and bold and beautiful, all together, all at once. You don’t get to escape the danger by avoidance, by fear. It comes, ready, steady or not. It comes.

A few years ago, I was mad. I said it out loud, how unfair it all was…when was it my turn to have a season of easy, I asked. I was so angry at life and the God that ordained it, at the cost and consequences. I remember being bitter at my lot; as if I’d suffered more, longer, deeper. Such a fool, such an incredibly limited vision of life. I sauntered and staggered in my self-righteous despair. I still do sometimes.

I think the dangerous parts are unexpected, though. Love, to love is so incredibly dangerous. Hope, that too. Faith, risky and seemingly foolish and so difficult, yet not. But that’s just it. It’s so counter intuitive, life is. See, even ones exponentially wiser than me say so too…

“There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” -Washington Irvine

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” -CS Lewis

“You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.” -Annie Dillard

It’s comforting to me to know it’s universal, life being hard, dangerous, dark, bold, counter intuitive, beautiful. Not that I wish danger, confusion or heartache on anyone, but rather I rest in the knowledge that I have excellent company…yours. Thanks for bravely, dangerously being born.

Strong-willed, examined and redefined

I’ve been told I was a strong-willed child.

Once, after ignoring my mother’s instructions multiple times, she said, “Kara, I don’t want to spank you, but if you don’t do what I ask, I will.” I was 3-ish, with my hands on my hips and my face extended out in defiance and I said, “You can spank me if you want, but it won’t do any good.” That was at 3. I’ve gotten older and hope it did some good.

Or how about at 5; I’ve always thought driving was instinctual, and I had the instinct (which I confess, I do not). I put our vacant-except-for-me car into neutral and ended up in the middle of the street not knowing how to start the car or change the gear to drive. Not so instinctual afterall. My neighbor came home and bailed me out.

Once, I thought I could cut hair, so I practiced on my brother. His sideburns were above his ears. I’ve never cut hair again. I was 7 or 8; State licensing boards for cosmetology, shocking as it may seem, don’t license that young.

My confidence, my determination, makes me fearless to enter into situations of which I probably should be terrified or at least respectful. This gift could be/is good. But, when things go awry, when I get sidelined by situations and circumstances and I don’t know how to handle it, I tend to run away and I don’t look back. I tend to question my faith and my resolve. I question me and my ability to hear God…the thing is, I wasn’t listening to begin with; I was acting, moving ahead, no training wheels, no limits other than my own, no safety cables or nets, no reigns.

There have been others to, examples that is. But I’m not sure I’m ready or willing to have an all-told confessional…so please take my word for it. As I age, they get more complicated with convoluted ideas and actions. My, my, I am strong-willed. My, my, I need some reigns, Lord. Bring your reign to my will.

This morning I woke up at 7am, without an alarm and with thoughts and emotions ruling and racing. I bundled up (mornings are still cool) and went to camp on the front porch for a while. My strong will, my daring is a gift, I know this. But it also requires reigns. I want to dive right in, and go for it. Let’s just do this. Let’s make it happen. What are we waiting for…

Well, we’re waiting for a driver’s or cosmetologist’s license. We’re waiting for the perspective and wisdom of age. We’re waiting for permission or directions. We’re waiting for Someone else to say, “go.”

So, today, my mind is being entertained by thoughts of “should have’s”, “could have’s”, “would have’s” and “now what’s”. I want to go full speed ahead. I want to walk right in, say what I want to say, do what I want to do, defy and define all on my own. But I think I’ll try it another way this time. I want to be strong-willed about resting in submission, trust, hope and faith. I’ll wait, step down and back and wait. I’ll let Someone Else guide and reign over my will today…and hopefully, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…etc, etc.

War

I feel like I’ve been at war this week, a multi-front war. Earlier today I thought it was just a two front war, which was convenient because I could attribute it to the right and left sides of my brain. The analytical, thinking, planning, linear left and the emotional, relational, mystical, holistic right. I thought it was just two issues. I was wrong. War’s way more complicated than that, isn’t it.

I’ve heard a common tactic, an effective tactic in war, is to compromise the enemy’s communications. To confuse them, thwart them, con them, distract them, busy them. Mmmm, I can speak to the effectiveness of that tactic. This week, I was busy, distracted, conned, thwarted and confused. Tricky enemy, tricky.

I’ve lived seasons of wondering if what I was hearing was the real deal. Am I hearing You, Lord or some other voice? Do I know Your voice Lord or am I turning my ear to a deceiver? “My sheep know My voice.” Over and over, I’ve heard this. This is the voice I know, I trust. And in Him I put my hope, my confidence, my life.

But those seasons, those moments of war when you’re not sure…is it You, Lord? Is this the voice of someone for me or against me…is this the voice of my Savior? Shouldn’t I know the difference? When you’re not sure you’re hearing right, when you wonder at and wander in the circumstances, when what you thought was right is up in the air…it’s tough to wait it out, to stand firm, to trust. And when it’s a lie and the lie is deep, and difficult to distinguish what do I do?

This is what I do:

I worship. I walk. I reflect on Truth, scriptural Truth over and over, till I believe it. And I communicate. I go to the Voice I trust and I sit at His feet and I ask Him, “Is this you? I should know, I know I should know. But I don’t. Will You speak in a way I’ll recognize, because I’m your sheep and you said I would know Your voice. I need to know your voice.” Then, I listen.

It’s not a formula, it’s just what I do. No magic potion, no lucky numbers, no mystical mantra…it’s just what I do. Sometimes it works right away, easy. Sometimes, like this week, it takes a while. Sometimes, it’s hard. Sometimes it’s really hard. Sometimes I walk in what I’m sure of and wait until I’m sure of the rest. The thing is…the thing is, I win, well, He wins the war and I’m on His side. He battles, He’s the soldier, He’s the victor, even when I’m lost and confused and disoriented, even when the sounds of war drown His voice…He guides, He carries me, He wages this war, and He wins. I’m so glad He wins.

The Crafty Crow

Check out this blog: The Crafty Crow…love it. Creative and fun…even for grown-ups.

It’s an extension of Bella Dia’s blog…which is, obviously, also brilliant.

I splurged on two things this month…

#1 Michael Buble tickets…good, good seats ($95 seats to be exact…but cheapo that I am, I refused to pay full price)…I saw this song and many others live, and loved every single note, joke and smirky smile. And the handful of friends I went with, were great fun too.

I’m posting this particular song for 2 reasons. A. The song I wanted to post didn’t have a good quality video on YouTube B. I swear God has sung the chorus in this song to me over and over and over in recent years.

#2 Blue suede shoes. Need I say more?

Wisdom from some personal, flawed favorites

You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.

-Annie Dillard

Everything in the world is just the shadow of some real thing we cannot see
-Plato

I have no notion of loving people by halves it is not my nature.
-Jane Austen Northanger Abbey

1/2 Birthday

It was almost 6 months ago…my birthday, that is. But I was going through some stuff the other day, looking through pictures, letters/cards, you know how it goes and I came across these pictures…and the letter that accompanied them. I really meant this and wanted to get it out to some of the people that didn’t get it the first go-round…so Thank You, to all my friends and family.

To have a good friend is one of the greatest delights of life. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

A couple years ago a friend and I made a trek from Georgia to Chicago, my favorite city in the world, to meet up with another friend who was holding a “friend reunion” of sorts. She wanted a weekend, a chill, get-to-know-you-better, see-you-in-the-morning-without-make-up-and-with-bad-breath kind of a weekend with all her closest friends: young, old, married, single, male, female. It was a beautiful weekend. We had a bonfire each night, sat around and talked shallow and deep, played speed Scrabble, pulled out the guitar, compared CD’s, laughed, slept, took walks. On our way back to Georgia, Friend A made the comment, “Kara, you have the greatest friends – real with edges, easy to be with, kind.” And actually, she went on in the conversation to say how she didn’t even realize that had been missing in her life…

It’s true; I have had and have still the most amazing group of friends and family. This group of people, you actually, have spoken truth into and over my life, you’ve served me in imaginative, steady and gracious ways even when, especially when, I didn’t deserve it. You’ve prayed with me and for me – Oh, how I need that. You’ve encouraged me and challenged me. And yet, you allow me to be me with all my nuances and annoyances. Thank You.

There are other friends and family, not here, but in Indiana, Illinois, Kentucky, Georgia, Florida, California, Missouri, South Carolina, France, Scotland, Taiwan, South Africa, Australia, etc that aren’t here physically, but my Thank You to them is just as big and is as deeply sincere.

This day is about YOU, not me. This day is the day that I say Thank You. This day is the day that I commit to serving and loving you the way you’ve loved me so many times before. I cannot imagine, nor do I wish to, what my life would be like without God’s good, good gift of the friendship I’ve found in you. You are a beautiful expression and extension of His love and grace to me. Thank You.

Have you ever considered modeling?

Well, in our house we’re pretty open about things…and comfortable with ourselves. This is a refreshing quality to find in a household full of females, let’s be honest. So, when a question is posed we are vocal and demonstrative about our opinions. Case in point:

Random guy walks up to Susanna in Barnes in Noble (the magazine section to be exact) and says, and I quote, “Excuse me, have you ever considered modeling? You should.” Yep, actually happened. This was Susanna’s reaction:

So, fast forward a few hours. Susanna is home and sharing her eyebrow raising experience with us. And she dares to ask, “Well, how would you have responded?” These are the actual, real-life reactions from the ladies of N. Broadway (the quotes are not actual or real-life, just the faces):

“Have you ever considered modeling?”

me: Really?!

Beth: What are you smoking?

Krista: uh, not for you…

Anna: Are you teasing me?

Sarah: Would you like to leave seeing out of both eyes or just one?

Holly and Trisha: I mean, obviously.

Weekend Reunion

This weekend I went to KY, my old college stomping grounds. I’d forgotten about all the fireworks stands on the Indiana side of the Ohio River. I got to see the new KWC football stadium and science building…made me envious…kind of. I stopped by Rice Drugs, the lovely folks who employed and paid me for 3+ years. I hopped on the old toll road that is no longer a toll road. I saved $0.60. I spent it elsewhere, though. The place where I purchased my first cell phone is gone. The AAA office where I got my first passport photo also gone. The speed was still a glorious 70 mph technically 80+ realistically. It feels like a world away, college does. I’ve lived so much life since then and it hasn’t even been that long ago…just a few years. A lot happens in a few years. A lot.

My college roommate got married to her perfect match – super laid back Kyle. They have a new house and a breathtakingly adorable baby girl…I could not take my eyes off her…she’s that precious. Hates peaches and “talks” like the brilliant baby she is. Ally’s using her accounting degree and going for her mba. She’s still attending the small country Baptist church she grew up in. Driving home today I was just smiling for her. I’m so happy for her. I know it’s not perfect, she hasn’t necessarily “arrived” in life…but she has this beautiful life and she’s living it and loving it. I’m proud of her, happy for her, etc, etc

We sat and talked and drank wine and played with Izzy and 1/2 watched Joe Dirt and Forest Gump and complained about the stupid cold rainy April weather. We reminisced about our miserable train trip to New Orleans and the goofy pictures and middle of the night phone calls we got while there. I got the scoop on former classmates: who’s where now, doing what, married to whom, etc But mostly we just were together. You know, just being. Some people you can do that with…just be. It doesn’t have to be complicated or continually entertaining or regimented…you’re just you. That’s how the past couple days felt. I could just be me. Thanks Ally and Kyle for letting me crash at your place…for feeding me (Happy Birthday Kyle), for rescuing a deflated tire, and sharing your beautiful life with me.

Wow, that’s actually true

This is what I’m writing on my friends birthday card:

“…Because as you get older you should remember all the things you’ve enjoyed along the way…”

…thing is, it’s true. So to commemorate, here’s a few things I’ve enjoyed so far:

Spirograph

Snow Ice Cream

Flying a kite

Rescue Rangers

Hiking/coastal and mountain

Candy cigarettes

Black Labs

Playing cards/games especially Speed Scrabble and Rook/Eucre

Dress up

Weeping willows

Traveling

Writing

Password

Lite-Brite

Isaiah

Poppies

Cars and tracks (don’t tell my brother, I had him convinced I was too good to play cars)